Mr I’m-Just-A-Bigot (+ why men shouldn’t declare you date exclusively Oriental)

Personality type: ATAW (Addicted to Asian Women)

So the thing about free dating sites is it’s such a random free-for-all and no one really reads your profile. As much as we pretend that Tinder is horrifically superficial in its stripped down mechanics, it is the basic building blocks of any free dating site. This is exarcerbated when you’re of a different race as all stereotyoes come into play with the swipe to the right.

But what ho! This is new…someone asking if I have a boyfriend (or “you got bf” in text speak…this is so promising!) as an opener. We think we can roll with this and have a little fun responding to this…

MR B: U got bf?
ME: No. Do you have a bf? Lol
MR B: Cheeky. Don’t like boys. But I have had an Asian gf b4
ME: Well done. And now you’re hooked? 😛
MR B: Haha. No comment
ME: Lol. I haven’t had a bf from Lyme Regis
MR B: Oh well ur missing out there. Tall and unfeasibly rich amongst other things
ME: What other things lol? I’m short and poor. Does that make us a complementary match? 🙂
MR B: Short is good. As is petite. I wouldn’t expect a gf to be v rich. Sounds a funny match. Ya.
ME: I’m actually not typical Asian. Do lots of girls have bfs on here then?
MR B: Ur dripping in sarcasm lol y r u not typical Asian?
ME: I’m Bristolian. We’re all sarcastic here.
MR B: U have a cock?
ME: Lol. Not that untypical.
MR B: Um ok
ME: How’s your business? And your weekend?
MR B: Have u got a cock? I’m concerned
ME: Lol. I said no. Is that concerning?
MR B: Yea I’m not gay. Do u like cock
[End of conversation]

I am certainly not one for bigotted cocks who think having dated an Asian girl before requires applause or a gold star. And describes themselves as unfeasibly rich. How rich would you have to be to be unfeasible anyway?

Some of us Asian girls have a giggle that the guys that have an indiscriminate preference for petite Asian girls, regardless of personality type or character, are petite themselves if you know what I mean 😉 So the last laugh is on them…and that’s why gentleman, that approach will never do you any favours.

VERDICT: Do not engage! Mr B’s will never know where they’re going wrong, nor do they have a sense of humour.

OUTCOME: Move on, nothing to see here!

Lazy communicators.

“Dominant male seeks”

There is nothing OK about this as an opening gambit. First of all, see my photo, don’t  read my profile and assume because I am Asian that I am submissive?

Secondly you are so presumptious and lazy and assume you are such a catch that you do not even have to finish your sentence?

Or is it that you seek nothing? I hope so because that is all you are getting.

Why do people think this is the way to conduct a courtship or hookup, online or
otherwise?

Grim.

Mr Fifty-Shades-of-Grey

Personality types : OMWW (Openly Married With Wife) and GREY (Mr Christian Grey to you)

You get a double bonanza today! The first is a brazen classic…

“Hello there. While I may not be able to bring long term happiness, I can certainly provide a little short term fun! However, before I get into full-on seduction mode, I thought I’d be a little blunt: I’m not that close to you (but happy to travel) and I’m also married. Are they hard boundaries for you?”

What an offer. Will you be my bit on the side? It was difficult, but I resisted! Well, he is at least honest I guess.

“On a typical Friday night I am: Cooking, drinking and enjoying the start of the weekend…”

 …with his family I presume!! WTF.  

“I love to make a lover feel amazing. There is something so delightful about seeing a lover laying there, sated and satisfied, knowing ‘I did that’!…I consider myself a ‘top’ rather than a ‘dom’. Maybe I’ve been unlucky, but all the doms/dommes I’ve met have been more interested in belittling their [sic] subs, not caring one jot for their pleasure and well being.”

This theme of doms brings me squarely to this rather amazing profile. We like to keep things anonymous on Virtually Perfect, but let’s say his user ID referred to a certain part of the anatomy and ‘mechanic’…I’ve noticed that these profiles that weave a fantasy are on the rise following the 50 Shades mania. I think he speaks very well for himself.

“I am a confident, competent, caring, considerate and compassionate medical doctor. I am Triple ‘S’ – Single, Sane & Solvent. I am healthy & wealthy, saphiosexual & ethically polyamorous. I own several properties in England and a lovely little farm in Ireland where I breed horses. I have travelled widely, worked in many countries and am presently involved in research on Female Sexual Dysfunction with a focus on the causes & treatment of Low Libido in Women….I’m a tall, dark and handsome ‘LoveDom’, i.e. I’m a naturally ‘Dominant’ alpha male, I dress professionally when at work. I am very experienced in the softer side of BDSM and D/s roleplay but also enjoy ‘rough’ sex with the right woman – both indoors & outdoors. I give orders and people invariably do as I say or they get stripped and gently whipped. I really do enjoy spanking naughty women. I love using blindfolds and handcuffs in role play and especially enjoy the feel of soft, scented ropes tied securely against smooth skin & limb. I most certainly ‘walk the talk’. The majority of my ‘friends-with-benefits’ are attractive, intelligent, fiesty women who know what they want emotionally, socially & sexually. I believe in Win:Win situations where everyone goes to sleep, smiling and sexually satisfied.”

This is a man who knows exactly what he likes. I guess that is the nature of being a ‘LoveDom’ but I do wonder how much of his confidence is ill-founded. And am I the only one to question him being a wealthy ‘tall, dark and handsome’ doctor who is researching female sexual dysfunction? It’s a character summary that E.L. James would be proud of, and better written to boot.

“I spend a lot of time thinking about:  The 3 Ps (Pussy, Passion & Personality), I can’t live in a world without passion! How to relax with an attractive, intelligent & submissive woman in a Safe, Sane & Consensual relationship. I am touch responsive. I love to smell the womanly scent of my lover and taste her love juices. If oral sex is an art then I am definitely an artist!”

“You should message me if:  You like to mingle & tingle. You are unashamed of your naked body, are sexually uninhibited, enjoy swimming naked and are an adventurous lover who enjoys being a sexhibitionist – both indoors and outdoors. However, that said, if you dislike parts or your body, are sexually inhibited, anally retentive and anorgasmic – please just call the Samaritans.”

Lol! This blogpost pretty much wrote itself, don’t you think? Whilst I love his 3Ps, it takes a certain kind of woman to find this personality type attractive.

VERDICT:  Entertaining reads, but doesn’t flip my switches. Good luck to the both of them – at least they are being (disarmingly) honest about what they want, which is more than can be said of a lot of internet daters.

OUTCOME: Blog all about it 🙂

Mr Hold-On-Just-One-Minute…

Personality type: ARGH (no explanation required)

So you know that moment when you’ve signed up to an internet dating site and a guy sends you a message. So far so good. Then you look at his profile and you almost choke on your Greggs spicy chicken lattice slice. It’s your ex’s brother. Yes he’s met you plenty of times so he knows you’re his brother’s ex. Yeah that awkward moment.

VERDICT: So wrong. So nasty. Enough said.

OUTCOME: Flee and never tell your ex!!!

28 Dates Later

Just had to post a link to this new blog by Willard Foxton.

“The objective – to go on 28 online dates, off 28 different dating sites. Hopefully, I’ll find love along the way. If not, I’ll have a wealth of amusing stories. I hope I won’t die.”

Only one post so far, but it’s a great read. On his first date, blood was drawn!

http://28dateslater.blogspot.co.uk

Mr Ambiguous vs Mr Adventure

It was one of our greatest Britons that said “Truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it and ignorance may deride it, but, in the end, there it is.”

Gentlemen, do you not know that what most women want most of all is simple clarity?  We can deal with whatever, if you are clear about it. Over recent weeks, a surprising, sweet and exciting romance has flourished and not so much waned as been mired in ambiguity, and let’s just say that I wasn’t the one being foggy.

Whilst the horrible “He’s Just Not That Into You” reigns in many-a-situation, there are still grey areas aplenty. And in this case, there is still plenty of potential, but I am left feeling despondent and bittersweet. Being wooed is nice, being friends may well be nice too but there isn’t a lot of good ground in between. Stay on unstable ground too long and the best of connections will flounder.

The trouble with lack of clarity on one side is that it leaves the other person at sea. They don’t know whether to laugh or cry, be happy or sad, to be friends, to walk away, to be excited, to enjoy or not enjoy…or whatever. So, I enter the holiday season by taking a step back just to get out of the fogginess and I am left mourning the rare man who has lived enough, seen enough and met enough people to know what he wants when he finds it, pursues it and cherishes it with responsibility.  Because they know that life is too short and good things rare.

What is a gal to do other than overanalyse, lick her wounds, pointlessly rue a random sequence of events and listen to heartbreak songs? Well, a song came up on my playlist that bucked me right up. It was written by someone I met on another continent a long time ago. I shall call him Mr B. Although our connection wasn’t romantic, it was a strong indeed and over ten years later Mr B wrote this song for me which he has gone on to play at gigs and festivals. I was reminded that someone that I haven’t even dated can feel this way about me and share it with the world.

“Oh [my name]
Won’t you come and dance with me
And show me you’re still my love
This crazy world rubs off

Oh my child
Wrap your arms around me for a while
I’ll show you I love you still
And these rose-tinted glasses are real

It’s just you and I
If this is love, hold me closely
It’s just you and I
I’m still a child so hold me gently

Come with me
Let us find a place in the sea
That we can call our own
This world will never own

Oh [my name]
Why can’t it be this dream that we see
And the world around would be real
It’s eroding hands we won’t feel

It’s just you and I
If this is love, so hold me closely
It’s just you and I
I’m still a child so hold me gently

Oh [my name]
Won’t you come and dance with me
And show me you’re still my love
This crazy world rubs off

Oh my child
Wrap your arms around me for a while
I’ll show you I love you still
And what’s between us is real

It’s just you and I
If this is love, so hold me closely
It’s just you and I
I’m still a child so hold me gently”

The song makes me feel amazing and loved. And so any time I meet an ambiguous man (they are fast multiplying) in future, I will play this song to myself and be reminded of how they should, and can, be thinking about me. Recently Mr B and I played a Facebook game where my friends had to choose a single word that encapsulated how we met. He chose the best word of everyone – it was ‘adventure’. And that made me smile.

For my closing summary, I was told by a mutual friend last night that Mr Ambiguous was a great catch and I shouldn’t let him slip through my fingers (but also that I was the very best he would ever find and we are perfect for each other…very helpful. Not!) Upon hearing that, someone I love very much wrote these very concise words to me:

“What a load of crap.He shouldn’t let you slip through his fingers. He may well be a nice bloke but you shouldn’t have to wait around on the off chance that he decides he likes you enough. You deserve better than that.”

Hear hear! Happy Christmas all! xx

Mr I-Have-A-Taste-For-Oriental-Prozzies – “KUMUSTA – FILIPINA / ASIAN ONLY”

DATING PERSONALITY: DSOC (Deluded Slimy Old Creep)

“No”

This was his bizarre message to me. I still don’t understand this message. I couldn’t see his face on his profile picture, so I clicked on his profile out of curiosity

“HELLO MAGANDA…. from well-mannered man
am searching for my asian darling here in the uk
SO GWAPA’S – PLEASE FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE”

What gives? Why is he writing in  broken English? Has he spent so much time with prostitutes that he now speaks that way permanently?  He lists his occupation as “Big Boss”. Part of me really doesn’t want to read any more, but I feel strangely compelled to continue.

“I LUCKY GUY COS I HAVE TOURED PPINES 2 TIMES , EACH TIME FOR 4 AMAZING WEEKS – MT. PINATABU BORACAY CEBU PAGSANJAN MANILA BOHOL BATANGAS + BEAUTIFUL , BEAUTIFUL PEAURTO GALERA
…i’m a funny guy , a comedian , great in the bedroom as well as the kitchen ha ha
and i’m very romantic , oooh !
…i ADORE femininity in my girl – dress/skirt , high heels (oh wow !) , lip gloss , scent , nice nails + hair
…my dad taught me how to treat a lady – would you like ‘number 1 boyfriend service’ ?”

No thanks! “Oh wow!” WTF. This profile really creeped me out as I could imagine him trying these lines on beautiful young things in bars in the Philippines using exactly the same pitter patter. But the thing is. If a woman had made it to the UK, why the hell would they want a guy like him? Maybe I’m cynical, but do these men not understand that it is a Far Eastern business transaction? They get sex with a stunning creature in exchange for money, at best, they might even get a dutiful, well behaved, gorgeous wife, and that wife gets a ticket out of the hellhole they are living in?  Their money might go  far in Thailand, but when they bring these ladies back to their ex-council house in Britain and they trade in their hired 4×4 for a clapped out Vauxhall Astra, do they think these ladies will stay with them once they gain citizenship? Clearly, some of these men are deluded enough to believe that by acting super creepily, they are actually attractive to these women. This guy believes his own hype. It makes me want to wretch. He finishes it off with this:

“so my dreamgirl , please get in touch ….
your scottish mister pogi is waiting
….BECAUSE A BOY HAS TO HAVE STANDARDS – RIGHT ?”

Wow. How can you possibly resist? And whilst we at Virtually Perfect don’t like to name and shame our prospective daters, we can tell you that his pictures were exactly as you would imagine him to look. Old, fat, short, greasy, balding and cock-eyed.

VERDICT: One to make your skin crawl. It’s men like this that keep the sex industry going strong in Thailand and the Philippines. At least he’s looking for a woman and not children.

OUTCOME: Delete message hastily and enter a therapy programme

Mr Desperately Seeking Long Term Relationship – “looking for genuine heart and love”

DATING PERSONALITY TYPE : DNEL (Desperate. Needs English Lessons)

“hi there,
how is ur day?
I read ur profile and really interested in long term relationship.
have a look on my pro and if interested ,drop me a text
🙂
xxx”

I don’t know where to start with this one. Hello. Look at my profile. How about a long term relationship? You must tell us if you’ve ever heard of this approach working, we would love to hear about it. But still, look at his profile I did…

“helloo there and xx for being here ( but take care I am an avid reader lol)
First of all I am seeking long term relationship.
A bit to introduce myself:
I am a well educated guy,was doing a research at Southampton Uni to be a doctor and resigned because I found it turned my life very serious…”

Argh, this man has already proclaimed his need for a long term relationship twice before telling me anything about himself. Then the first thing he tells me is he’s a quitter. Quick check of the photos before relegating him to the scrap heap of overtly desperate men. Argh!  No smiling pictures (maybe they were taken during his serious phase on his medical degree) but what is this?! His second profile picture is of his MOBILE PHONE with the caption “My Moto phone” Nooooo! It’s not even a good phone at that. Is this the best he can do?

His Moto phone

VERDICT: This man uses pictures of his phone to try and lure women into long-term relationships. Danger of extreme boredom.

OUTCOME: Delete message. Case closed.